Where you at?

About 3 1/2 years ago I was told by the pastor of my church that I wouldn't be able to sing in the worship team because of my views on homosexuality. At that time, I was questioning if repressing your sexuality was healthy. I wasn't sure how this would affect my own life but I realized that the church was treating gay people unfairly. I decided to leave the church after I was told that I was "welcome" to attend church but couldn't be an official member ESPECIALLY if I considered ever starting a relationship with another man. (To which I responded that the pastor was welcome to come over for lunch but he had to sit in the living room while everyone else would eat at the table)

I went through a lot of mixed emotions since then but most of all I felt angry. For about 2 years I stopped listening to Christian music completely. You see, singing was my passion. Singing in church carried me through a lot of very hard times. When I sang, all my fears and worries disappeared. But then I didn't have that anymore. I lost my community, I was facing the possibility of losing my family (as I considered coming out to my parents) and I had no idea what my future held. If what I learned in church was true, then I would probably die from deep depression rooted in my sinful life choices. And then I would rot in hell for eternity.

Most of those things didn't happen (shocker!). I did lose my church community, but this made way for other much more accepting friends to come into my life. My family was more supportive than I thought (and they didn't die of a heart attack as I had feared). And, I met a very handsome, smart and funny man who changed my life forever.

But I digress. As I said, most of the time I was very angry at the church and organized religion. I went to different churches to find out if anybody would have me, with no luck. Then, as I got used to be without it, life got a whole lot better. Out of sight, out of mind (at least for a while).

However, in the past few weeks I have noticed some feelings resurfacing. Or maybe just surfacing... As a mindfulness-oriented therapist, I'm proud to say that I am allowing myself to just observe these feelings without trying to react. And, I'm noticing that I am feeling sad. It's not an overwhelming sadness, but more of a contemplative feeling or maybe a realization. I feel betrayed. I was told that I had a "church family" that I could always count on, but when I needed them most, they disappeared. It's the cold-heartedness of these people that leaves me... speechless.

Today I listened to Jennifer Hudson's new song and related to the feeling of being stood up, disappointed and left out in the cold. I'm so happy not to be in that place anymore! Still, these words described how I felt:

You painted a picture for me but there was no frame
You made my future look bright and I believed every word
I went to sleep on the clouds and woke up in the dirt
And now I'm without shelter and the wind is blowing
You say you'd be there for me when the tough got going
Said if weapons draw, you'd stand in front of me
Whenever I felt trapped, said you'd be the one to set me free
Thought you were my hero
But as it turns out you were a no show

Here's the video:

Celebrating

Three years ago I was the most scared I have ever been. I put an end to my biggest fear by letting the people I love most know who I really was. By coming out, I made a statement that I would not let self-hatred and shame have power over me, and I was ready to move towards happiness. Three years later, I realize how that day marked the beginning of a new season where I actively worked to make my dreams come true.

I don't know what my life would be like if I had given in to my fears on that day. I felt terrible about disappointing my parents. I knew I was breaking their hearts and killing their dreams for me. On the other hand, I was finally being honest, and I owed them that. I wasn't really killing their dreams because they were never going to come true anyway. Really, I was just breaking the news.

Now I wish I had done it much sooner. Obviously people delay their coming out because of fear. Sometimes it's justified, especially if you depend on the "coming outees" for shelter, a job, etc. But at the same time, I think we too often misjudge and underestimate them. I feared losing all my friends, being kicked out of my family and losing any chance at building a career. But, my family stuck with me and my friendships got better. Most relationships actually got a lot better, mainly because I was finaly truthful and real. And now that I think about it, I really don't want to be friends with anyone who prefers a front instead of the real deal.

Three years ago I took my life to a whole new level and now I live my dream.