These scars of mine...

I wasn't sure if I should shut this blog down or just keep it up with no new post for ever. I'm just not very good at this. But, today I felt inspired again. So here we go:

I went to have coffee with a new friend. I met her recently through work, and she grew up very near to where I grew up in South America, but I digress... After talking about the weather for a while, she asked me a few questions that brought me back to some tuff times. I thought of how much shame I felt about being gay when I was a teenager. I talked a little bit about my experiences with different churches and how I was told that I could not be a member if I "decided" to live in the "gay lifestyle". I also remembered wanting to come out to my parents and being told that it would kill them (literally kill them, my uncle told me to have a nurse on stand by!).

Still, somehow, thinking about all of this didn't hurt today. Quite the opposite, actually. It made me smile. Not a smile like when you are happy or having fun. More like a smile of strength. I remembered how I went through so much and how I feared that my life would end. I thought I wouldn't be able to make it. I believed my parents would be depressed for ever if I came out the them. Or maybe they would never speak to me again. When I say this, today it seems so overly dramatic to me. Still, it was so real back then.

And then I decided that I couldn't live a lie anymore. When I finally gave up on the existence of some sort of fairy that could turn me straight one day (no pun intended), I faced the possibility of huge losses. I said good-bye to a church community that I loved. I was ready to say good-bye to family and friends. And, I was ready to venture into the unknown. Pretty scary!

Back then I didn't have the slightest idea that life would take a wonderful turn soon. Not without a price, but still. And today I reminisced. Good times, huh?

Anyway, it was nice to notice how none of these memories hurt anymore. It felt good. I can see the scar, but the wound appears to have healed. So, let me end this with the lyrics of Jennifer Knapp's song, "Better Off":

"Be careful what you wish, I am a dream come true.
Now I'm someone else who only wanted you"