These scars of mine...

I wasn't sure if I should shut this blog down or just keep it up with no new post for ever. I'm just not very good at this. But, today I felt inspired again. So here we go:

I went to have coffee with a new friend. I met her recently through work, and she grew up very near to where I grew up in South America, but I digress... After talking about the weather for a while, she asked me a few questions that brought me back to some tuff times. I thought of how much shame I felt about being gay when I was a teenager. I talked a little bit about my experiences with different churches and how I was told that I could not be a member if I "decided" to live in the "gay lifestyle". I also remembered wanting to come out to my parents and being told that it would kill them (literally kill them, my uncle told me to have a nurse on stand by!).

Still, somehow, thinking about all of this didn't hurt today. Quite the opposite, actually. It made me smile. Not a smile like when you are happy or having fun. More like a smile of strength. I remembered how I went through so much and how I feared that my life would end. I thought I wouldn't be able to make it. I believed my parents would be depressed for ever if I came out the them. Or maybe they would never speak to me again. When I say this, today it seems so overly dramatic to me. Still, it was so real back then.

And then I decided that I couldn't live a lie anymore. When I finally gave up on the existence of some sort of fairy that could turn me straight one day (no pun intended), I faced the possibility of huge losses. I said good-bye to a church community that I loved. I was ready to say good-bye to family and friends. And, I was ready to venture into the unknown. Pretty scary!

Back then I didn't have the slightest idea that life would take a wonderful turn soon. Not without a price, but still. And today I reminisced. Good times, huh?

Anyway, it was nice to notice how none of these memories hurt anymore. It felt good. I can see the scar, but the wound appears to have healed. So, let me end this with the lyrics of Jennifer Knapp's song, "Better Off":

"Be careful what you wish, I am a dream come true.
Now I'm someone else who only wanted you"

It's been so long since I posted a real post... I guess I'm not that good of a writer, or not that disciplined anyway.

HOWEVER, I love this video. My partner and I are starting the process of adoption. It will be about 2 years until we have a baby, but we are so excited! And this is an awesome video from the It Gets Better project that focuses on dads.

Rodrick Hall - It gets better

I love this new video that goes along with the theme of this blog...

Maybe today seems cloudy and tomorrow seems so far away, but it gets better.

Do you want to marry him?

Last week, my partner and I had dinner with some friends and their children. Their little girl (I think she was 8) asked me a question, "Do you have a girlfriend?"

We all smiled when I responded, "no, I don't." But she didn't give up, "Well, do you like someone?" - "Yes, I do," I whispered to her. That's when it clicked for her and, as she pointed at my partner, she said, "You love him!"

Of course the conversation wouldn't stop there. "Do you want to marry him?" she asked. Carried away by the excitement of this incredibly cute girl, I realized a little too late that I was playing with a child's feelings when I answered, "Yes. Would you like to be the flower girl?"

Her eyes brightened up and I could see she was picturing herself in a white or pink dress, throwing rose petals on the ground for the happy couple. "Yes!" she said.

"Well," I answered without realizing that I was talking to a 8 year old, "all you need to do is call our senators and representatives!"

Everyone laughed. She, however, was a little confused. But after a few seconds, she looked up and had an idea: "I could write them a letter!"

My heart melted and all of a sudden I couldn't find any words other than, "Thank you so much. You are a wonderful girl and I am sure one day you'll be a very beautiful flower girl", to which she answered, "you are welcome", and then continued playing.

Conversion Therapy

I liked this little comedic spin on conversion therapy, even though I used to firmly believe in it!

"Married Life"

It's been kind of a rough few days. After a few days of struggling with a weird combination of cold/flu, and both sinus and upper respiratory infections for about two weeks, the aid of several types of drugs and a couple thousand tissues has finally proven effective. Today, for the first time, I am able to breathe through my nose again.

Unable to go to work for a few days, I spent a lot of time in the home that we acquired almost a year ago. Still, sinus headaches and congestion that made my eyes tear up like never before kept me from at least being productive with some house chores. The problem with all this spare time is that it leads me to do something people shouldn't do too much... and that is thinking about things they can't change. In my case, these relate to difficulties around my current immigration visa and how it could eventually affect the relationship with my partner. This usually leads me to read every article I can find on advances in immigration reform, bills that will allow gay people to sponsor their partners as heterosexual couples do, gay marriage (like the Prop 8 trial going on) and any jobs that could create a pathway to a greencard. Needless to say, it can be a bit discouraging.

At the same time, I keep looking at the clock hoping my handsome partner will be back from work to keep me company. I eat leftovers from the dinner he prepared the day before, download some music we will both enjoy, and look at a website for ideas on how to decorate the spare bedroom. On that day at around 4:30, he returned home and told me he didn't feel too well. Great. Now it's two of us.

Anyway, at the end of the day I stopped to think about this somewhat dichotomous situation. While people in the senate, the house and many "Christian" organizations are convinced that gay marriage poses a threat to morality in America, I am living out my dream. It is a dream that a few years ago seemed completely impossible. Yet, today I live in a wonderful, committed relationship with the man I love. Everyday we get to know each other better as we build on our relationship. As we spent more and more time together, our tastes, likes and dislikes grow more and more similar. At the same time, it becomes clear that we grew up in very different households, cultures, and well, countries. Our personalities are also very different. However, our strengths and weaknesses even each other out. This all comes together as the most incredible thing happens: we fall more and more in love.

So yes, sometimes I freak out when I think about what the future may hold. Advances or the lack thereof in immigration, gay marriage, gay adoption, and really offensive comments from people that somehow managed to have a say in who I am allowed to marry can be draining. Then again, when I stop to take a breath, listen to my "husband" who is telling me about his day while he is preparing dinner (which by the way smells amazing), I can only say this: I am a lucky man and I'm living my dream.

Heller...

Hmm... First post! As I am trying to come up with words that will get people hooked and lead them to bookmark this site, I realize that everything that comes to mind sounds too cliche and has been said in every other blog site. It took me a few years to get over the fear of becoming one more person that believes they have a unique perspective on life and hopes to enlighten the world by becoming one more "official writer" on blogspot. Still, here I am.

If everything works out and I actually manage to regularly post stuff, then you will be able to peak inside the life of who appears to be a middle class, White male in America. But, things are not always as they seem. I was born in a German-speaking home in South America and moved to the US about five years ago for graduate school. And, I am gay.

Until a few years ago, I would have said I had "same-sex attractions", which was completely different because it implied that I could somehow "retrain" myself to be "normal". Considering the environment in which I grew up, this should not come as a surprise. I had never known of a gay person who was happy with their sexual orientation and the only openly homosexual I knew, committed suicide. So, I kept the faith and believed that one day a miracle would happen and I would be transformed into a heterosexual. After a few very strange dating situations, many prayers, and one weird exorcism, I was ready for a change in how I was approaching this whole situation. Unsure of what this meant, I decided to move to the US.

My move opened my eyes to a completely different truth. Five years later, I am living in a home that I recently bought with my partner of two years. We also just returned from a wonderful vacation in the Bahamas. Needless to say, life has changed dramatically. I was told by my church that I could not continue volunteering with them if I chose to "engage in homosexual behavior", and I came out to family and friends. Most of my family is still hoping that God will change me, even though they continuously express their unconditional love towards me (which can get a little confusing). Some friendships were lost, but most relationships have grown stronger.

So, it's been a pretty stressful couple of years! Navigating though an unending coming out process, immigration laws that don't recognize my partnership, and the additional family drama can get exhausting. But, one of the most important lessons I learned was that I can always find peace in the midst of chaos. I am finding out that peace has less to do with circumstances than with our state of mind. It's a journey, and I am learning to create my own happiness instead of depending on others for it. And by doing so, I think I make life easier on everyone around me.

And that's it! This blogging project will hopefully help me sort through ideas and thoughts around how to maintain a positive attitude when things around me are less than peaceful. I will likely post questions and answers that I stumble upon, and share topics that helped me embrace who I am.

If there's anybody out there, thanks for reading. :-)