Where you at?

About 3 1/2 years ago I was told by the pastor of my church that I wouldn't be able to sing in the worship team because of my views on homosexuality. At that time, I was questioning if repressing your sexuality was healthy. I wasn't sure how this would affect my own life but I realized that the church was treating gay people unfairly. I decided to leave the church after I was told that I was "welcome" to attend church but couldn't be an official member ESPECIALLY if I considered ever starting a relationship with another man. (To which I responded that the pastor was welcome to come over for lunch but he had to sit in the living room while everyone else would eat at the table)

I went through a lot of mixed emotions since then but most of all I felt angry. For about 2 years I stopped listening to Christian music completely. You see, singing was my passion. Singing in church carried me through a lot of very hard times. When I sang, all my fears and worries disappeared. But then I didn't have that anymore. I lost my community, I was facing the possibility of losing my family (as I considered coming out to my parents) and I had no idea what my future held. If what I learned in church was true, then I would probably die from deep depression rooted in my sinful life choices. And then I would rot in hell for eternity.

Most of those things didn't happen (shocker!). I did lose my church community, but this made way for other much more accepting friends to come into my life. My family was more supportive than I thought (and they didn't die of a heart attack as I had feared). And, I met a very handsome, smart and funny man who changed my life forever.

But I digress. As I said, most of the time I was very angry at the church and organized religion. I went to different churches to find out if anybody would have me, with no luck. Then, as I got used to be without it, life got a whole lot better. Out of sight, out of mind (at least for a while).

However, in the past few weeks I have noticed some feelings resurfacing. Or maybe just surfacing... As a mindfulness-oriented therapist, I'm proud to say that I am allowing myself to just observe these feelings without trying to react. And, I'm noticing that I am feeling sad. It's not an overwhelming sadness, but more of a contemplative feeling or maybe a realization. I feel betrayed. I was told that I had a "church family" that I could always count on, but when I needed them most, they disappeared. It's the cold-heartedness of these people that leaves me... speechless.

Today I listened to Jennifer Hudson's new song and related to the feeling of being stood up, disappointed and left out in the cold. I'm so happy not to be in that place anymore! Still, these words described how I felt:

You painted a picture for me but there was no frame
You made my future look bright and I believed every word
I went to sleep on the clouds and woke up in the dirt
And now I'm without shelter and the wind is blowing
You say you'd be there for me when the tough got going
Said if weapons draw, you'd stand in front of me
Whenever I felt trapped, said you'd be the one to set me free
Thought you were my hero
But as it turns out you were a no show

Here's the video:

Celebrating

Three years ago I was the most scared I have ever been. I put an end to my biggest fear by letting the people I love most know who I really was. By coming out, I made a statement that I would not let self-hatred and shame have power over me, and I was ready to move towards happiness. Three years later, I realize how that day marked the beginning of a new season where I actively worked to make my dreams come true.

I don't know what my life would be like if I had given in to my fears on that day. I felt terrible about disappointing my parents. I knew I was breaking their hearts and killing their dreams for me. On the other hand, I was finally being honest, and I owed them that. I wasn't really killing their dreams because they were never going to come true anyway. Really, I was just breaking the news.

Now I wish I had done it much sooner. Obviously people delay their coming out because of fear. Sometimes it's justified, especially if you depend on the "coming outees" for shelter, a job, etc. But at the same time, I think we too often misjudge and underestimate them. I feared losing all my friends, being kicked out of my family and losing any chance at building a career. But, my family stuck with me and my friendships got better. Most relationships actually got a lot better, mainly because I was finaly truthful and real. And now that I think about it, I really don't want to be friends with anyone who prefers a front instead of the real deal.

Three years ago I took my life to a whole new level and now I live my dream.

These scars of mine...

I wasn't sure if I should shut this blog down or just keep it up with no new post for ever. I'm just not very good at this. But, today I felt inspired again. So here we go:

I went to have coffee with a new friend. I met her recently through work, and she grew up very near to where I grew up in South America, but I digress... After talking about the weather for a while, she asked me a few questions that brought me back to some tuff times. I thought of how much shame I felt about being gay when I was a teenager. I talked a little bit about my experiences with different churches and how I was told that I could not be a member if I "decided" to live in the "gay lifestyle". I also remembered wanting to come out to my parents and being told that it would kill them (literally kill them, my uncle told me to have a nurse on stand by!).

Still, somehow, thinking about all of this didn't hurt today. Quite the opposite, actually. It made me smile. Not a smile like when you are happy or having fun. More like a smile of strength. I remembered how I went through so much and how I feared that my life would end. I thought I wouldn't be able to make it. I believed my parents would be depressed for ever if I came out the them. Or maybe they would never speak to me again. When I say this, today it seems so overly dramatic to me. Still, it was so real back then.

And then I decided that I couldn't live a lie anymore. When I finally gave up on the existence of some sort of fairy that could turn me straight one day (no pun intended), I faced the possibility of huge losses. I said good-bye to a church community that I loved. I was ready to say good-bye to family and friends. And, I was ready to venture into the unknown. Pretty scary!

Back then I didn't have the slightest idea that life would take a wonderful turn soon. Not without a price, but still. And today I reminisced. Good times, huh?

Anyway, it was nice to notice how none of these memories hurt anymore. It felt good. I can see the scar, but the wound appears to have healed. So, let me end this with the lyrics of Jennifer Knapp's song, "Better Off":

"Be careful what you wish, I am a dream come true.
Now I'm someone else who only wanted you"

It's been so long since I posted a real post... I guess I'm not that good of a writer, or not that disciplined anyway.

HOWEVER, I love this video. My partner and I are starting the process of adoption. It will be about 2 years until we have a baby, but we are so excited! And this is an awesome video from the It Gets Better project that focuses on dads.

Rodrick Hall - It gets better

I love this new video that goes along with the theme of this blog...

Maybe today seems cloudy and tomorrow seems so far away, but it gets better.

Do you want to marry him?

Last week, my partner and I had dinner with some friends and their children. Their little girl (I think she was 8) asked me a question, "Do you have a girlfriend?"

We all smiled when I responded, "no, I don't." But she didn't give up, "Well, do you like someone?" - "Yes, I do," I whispered to her. That's when it clicked for her and, as she pointed at my partner, she said, "You love him!"

Of course the conversation wouldn't stop there. "Do you want to marry him?" she asked. Carried away by the excitement of this incredibly cute girl, I realized a little too late that I was playing with a child's feelings when I answered, "Yes. Would you like to be the flower girl?"

Her eyes brightened up and I could see she was picturing herself in a white or pink dress, throwing rose petals on the ground for the happy couple. "Yes!" she said.

"Well," I answered without realizing that I was talking to a 8 year old, "all you need to do is call our senators and representatives!"

Everyone laughed. She, however, was a little confused. But after a few seconds, she looked up and had an idea: "I could write them a letter!"

My heart melted and all of a sudden I couldn't find any words other than, "Thank you so much. You are a wonderful girl and I am sure one day you'll be a very beautiful flower girl", to which she answered, "you are welcome", and then continued playing.

Conversion Therapy

I liked this little comedic spin on conversion therapy, even though I used to firmly believe in it!